In Five Years Time

*Written 5.23.13*

"In five years time, I might not know you,
In five years time, we might not speak,
In five years time, we might not get along,
In five years time, you might just prove me wrong."
~ Noah & The Whale ~

I was lucky enough to have an extremely understanding employer during this ordeal. When I first told her that Josh and I were divorcing, she cried with me because she'd been there. I had no idea she'd been through a divorce, and much less, in her early twenties like myself. I assumed K was her first husband. 

As we talked, she reminded me over and over that the end of my marriage to Joshua is not the end of my life, even if it may feel like it right now. She reminded me that 12 years ago she was married to "the one" who turned out to be the wrong one. And today, that life is just a distant memory she's gleaned many a lesson from. She hasn't spoken to or seen her first husband in years and harbors no bad feelings towards him. Instead, she's married to the true man of her dreams and has three incredible children with him. In her 30's she's created the life she always wanted. But in her 20's, she wanted something totally different with a man she no longer knows. 

It's scary and heartbreaking to think that in five, maybe ten years, I might not even speak to Joshua. When we were dating, we talked every day unless he was in the field. No exceptions. We just couldn't wait to hear each other's voices. But over the course of the past four years, we've become completely different people. We still talk every day, but it's more for relationship than for actual companionship. 

I don't want a life without him. I don't want to live in a world where we don't speak and even more painfully, where we don't know each other. But such is my new reality. Never, in my craziest bipolar thoughts, did I imagine that we could be in this place. All of the things I never wanted, all of my worst nightmares, are happening right before my eyes and I can't stop them. 

Five years from now, my best friend -- my soulmate -- could be a total stranger. We know each other better than we each know ourselves. But in time, it's very possible that I won't know his current favorite band, his address or phone number, or what he's eating for dinner on Friday night. 

Time, you sneaky bastard, you. This was not part of my 5 year plan.


Jamie said...

...and yet you'll move on. Bigger and better things, babe. Bigger and BETTER!

Love you!

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