Finding A Therapist 101, Pt. 1

Fall of 2011, we had been having rough patches in our marriage that were getting too recurrent for comfortability, so we sought out a marriage therapist through Military OneSource. As helpful and as compassionate as MOS is, they set us up with a therapist who never returned our call to set up an appointment. We called and called and never heard from him. And according to MOS's policy, we weren't allowed to find a new counselor for 60 days. By the time the waiting period had passed, Josh and I had doubled up on work hours and were preparing to move, so there was no point in finding a new 12-session counselor with a cross-country move quickly approaching.

So we put off the search and for a while, we thought we would be okay.

But the stress of 2 moves in one summer and starting life over in a new city proved too much for my sanity and our marriage. We started the search for a therapist again, still using Military OneSource, and were set up within 2 weeks. In October we had our first session.

I was uneasy with her - for some reason I couldn't open up to her and I didn't feel like I could trust her to be unbiased with the information Josh and I shared in her office. At first, I thought to myself, "This is a brand new experience for you, maybe you just need time to get comfortable with her," but as time wore on I knew the knot in my stomach was a huge red flag. My mistake? Ignoring that red flag. But at that point, I was just happy that Josh had agreed to couples therapy and didn't want to mess that up...so we stayed.

A few months and 6 sessions later, Josh had his individual session with her (I had already had mine). That night, we had gotten into an argument - I was angry because he wouldn't tell me where he wanted our marriage to go. I pushed and I pushed to get an answer out of him and he told me he'd like to take the discussion to the car. So we took a ride and, as he drove, he told me he had talked to our therapist about wanting a divorce. I was crushed. Floored. Devastated. There is no way to accurately describe how I felt.

I knew the therapist hadn't talked him out of it. I knew she'd just listened to him say he wanted out of our marriage and agreed with him, not giving him any other direction to go but out, never advising against it. And all of this was confirmed during our most recent, and LAST, appointment with her.

The appointment started out well, with her asking us how we were coping together and what our expectations were for the next 6 months. When I said that I'd continue working my ass off to save us, her response was, "Do whatever you want, but understand that nothing is going to change." With that, I chucked my teary tissues in the trash and said, "You know what, I don't have to listen to someone tell me my efforts are worthless," and stormed out.

*Come back on Thursday for Part 2.*


Jamie said...

I'm so proud of you for standing up for yourself and for your marriage! I'm sorry you're going through this but I'm SO glad you've got the guts and the strength to push through instead of just letting one person undo everything you (and Josh) have done thus far!

Unknown said...

oh my gosh girl that is horrible! That therapist needs to have her license removed so she isn't doing this to other couples too! After watching my parents struggle through their marriage through the years I have learned that marriage is hard and you have to work to make it work. You will have your arguments, life becomes hectic and things become too routine. If both of you are willing to make your marriage last then you just need to find someone that is willing to fight just as hard. Hang in there and stay strong

Lauren said...

oh my gosh! you cant leave us hanging like that til Thursday. I want to know now. are yall okay?? Marriage is SO hard.

Taylor @ DearOlympia.com said...

Wow-what a terrible therapist "do whatever you want"? That's ridiculous from a supposed professional. Proud of your for getting help
And praying for you!

erika said...

<3 I'm glad you dumped that lady!

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