2.19.2011

Wedding Woes

*Sigh* Aren't you supposed to be excited to have a wedding with all the bells and whistles? Aren't you supposed to enjoy looking up florists and cake bakers and tuxes? Aren't you supposed to fawn over every little detail like place cards and registries?

Well...I'm not.

When Josh and I first started talking about the kind of wedding we wanted we had decided on simple, sweet, and small. Nothing mattered to us except that we were marrying each other and that our closest friends and family were there to support and celebrate with us. But that's not how things turned out.

Our "dream wedding" would take place on a sunny spring day, in a quiet, secluded park filled with greenery and flowers. I would be wearing a knee-length white dress, holding a small purple bouquet, and he would be decked out in his dress blues. We would be married under a small, white gazebo by a close friend of ours with about 30 of our closest family and friends standing nearby. Then afterward, we would have lunch in the private dining room of a local restaurant, just enjoying our new marriage with the people who matter to us the most and reflecting on this new adventure we had just entered into. It would be all about the vows and the two of us. It would be perfect. Our "dream wedding."

But that's not the way things are happening. When I told my mom that's what Josh and I had planned, she just about cried. And not happy tears. She got extremely upset and said, "That's not a real wedding. You can't get married without all the family and friends there! You're breaking my heart. I want all of my brothers and sisters and my best friends to see you get married. After all, they've known you since you were born!" After that, Josh and I were ready to just elope. Seriously.

We wanted nothing to do with all of the hype that society puts into "real" weddings these days. What with the expensive flowers and place cards and caterers and venues and so on and so forth...we just wanted nothing to do with it. That's not what a wedding's about anyway! It's about two people who've fallen in love with the good and the bad in each other and who are committing their lives to loving and supporting each other until their dying days. THAT is what mattered to us. And THAT is the reason we refused to have a "real" wedding, as my mother put it.

But after weeks of arguing and begging and fighting and yelling, I finally just said, "You know what Mom? If you and Dad can pay for it, we'll do it!" At this point I was just so fed up with my mom guilt-tripping me that I would do ANYTHING to get her off my back so that I could just ENJOY the fact that I was marrying my best friend.

So we found a "real" venue and a florist and a dress. And we chose colors. And we invited our friends to be in our wedding party. And we made ten thousand phone calls. And we agonized over invites. And we spent hours addressing invitations. And I HATE. IT. ALL.

There have only been 3 times during this whole process when I felt more like a bride and less like a wedding planner for someone else: 1. When I tried on THE dress. 2. When my best friend and her mother threw me a lovely bridal shower (more on that later). And 3. When I finally saw mine and Josh's names on the actual invite. I'll admit, there have been some times when planning this all-out wedding has been fun. But it's not me. It's not Josh. It's not US. It's all for my mom. And the real me is just dying to go back to square one and stand up for herself.

Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. She's an incredibly loving and hard-working woman and the perfect mother for me (thank you Lord!), but her stubborn, old-fashioned view of what a "real" wedding should be has suffocated what's truly important to Josh and I.

I am so thankful that my parents offered to pay for our wedding, but every time there's another wedding-related decision I have to make I have this overwhelming feeling inside me just wishing we weren't doing ANY of this. But it's too late now. Everything's paid for and under contract now. And we've only got 50 days until the wedding. And I'm sitting here, getting over the flu, and bawling my eyes out because I came across pictures of our dream wedding on a friend's Facebook and wish it was OUR wedding.

What's a girl to do?

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