|Move In Day - August 1st, 2012|
Looking around our apartment, I feel sad.
When we chose this apartment in December of 2011, we were still happy. The knowledge that in just a few short months Josh would finish his enlistment and we'd be moving to Champaign was exhilarating.
When we signed the lease that day, I remember thinking, "This is everything I want." It was supposed to be our home for the 4 years Josh is in college and it was exactly what we needed.
This is the first time in four years that I've had every last box unpacked (that's what happens when you live the college, military, then college again life) and now I have to pack it all up for the sixth time in those same four years. When I look around, I don't just see our material possessions. I see wedding gifts people sent to us with the blissful belief we'd be together forever. I see all of the furniture we bought together to deck out our first apartment together when we finally closed the long-distance gap "for good." I see all of the hard work I put into picking out the perfect decor, arranging it just so. And I see the hours upon hours of cleaning and maintaining I've done singlehandedly since the day we moved into our very first place together almost 2 years ago.
Perhaps more painful than anything, I see the life I will no longer have.
I see the memories we won't be making. I see the dishes we used to entertain with. I see the gifts we've given each other but will no longer share (board games and Blu-rays anyone?). I see the bed we picked up for $300 from a friend and have slept in together - sleepover style - for 2 years. The nights we spent laughing, having "deep" conversations, fighting, and...wrestling...in that bed are long gone.
The wedding pictures I spent hundreds of dollars to print and frame (not to mention the two grand we spent to hire a fantastic photographer) are meaningless to him, so I'll get to keep them. But they'll surely be packed away in a "boyfriend box," only to be opened again when I can finally think about the memories without wanting to off myself.
In a weird way, sometimes I think I'm more sad that I won't be able to say I'm married and that I'm losing the home I created and worked so hard for, more than I am that I'm losing Josh. Maybe I'm just numb at the moment. Maybe I am that shallow. Who can tell at this point?